Facing the Truth: Healing and Hope Amidst Relationship Turmoil

Have you ever felt ensnared in a relationship where your needs were overshadowed by your partner's overwhelming presence? Or perhaps you've struggled with the silent battle scars of past traumas influencing your marriage? Join us, Tiffany Windsor and Mary Koenig, as we courageously tackle these sensitive issues, offering a sanctuary of wisdom for Christian women entwined with narcissistic partners or grappling with other relationship challenges. With the guidance of scripture and the solidarity of our shared experiences, this episode is a heartfelt quest for truth and a testament to the liberating power of faith.

As we vulnerably share our personal journeys and the complexities of navigating marriage and parenthood, we illustrate the transformative impact of self-awareness and mutual commitment to growth. Mary's poignant prayer, drawing from John 8:31-32, sets a foundation of hope as we discuss the importance of community, the healing potential within Scripture, and the beauty of redemption in relationships willing to confront and mend unhealthy dynamics. Amidst the soothing backdrop of rain, our conversation is an empowering embrace for those seeking solace and strength on their path to a more fulfilling life.

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Transcript

Announcer: 0:00

Welcome to In His Hands podcast from women for women. We're here to help you find peace in knowing you are in God's hands. Our goal is sharing the Word of God in simple conversations. We're here to help you thrive every day. And now, here are your hosts.

Tiffany Windsor: 0:18

Good morning. I'm Tiffany Windsor and I'm Mary Koenig, and today we want to talk about facing the truth and, Mary, will you pray us in?

Mary Koning: 0:27

I will. I'm reading from John, chapter 8, verses 31 and 32. If you abide in my word and you are truly my disciples and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. And there's a version that says in the truth will make you free. So, lord, both set and make us free, buy your word and with your truth and help us be brave warrior. Women In Jesus' name, amen.

Tiffany Windsor: 0:55

Amen. I do want to let everyone know that it is raining here this morning, so you may hear rain in the background and we've decided to go ahead and just record because we really want to talk about this topic today. This came to mind for me, mary, because I was thinking about the three women that I'm really close to right now, and all of you have had challenges from being in narcissistic relationships. I was asking you what are the different challenges that Christian women are having in relationships? Is it always narcissistic men? So I'd love for you to talk about that today, because in chatting about this before we started recording, you pointed out to me some of the different characteristics that can really challenge a relationship and force you into facing the truth.

Mary Koning: 1:52

And that is dredging up a lot of past issues and emotions, and so I'm going to try and gather my thoughts here.

Mary Koning: 2:03

Not having any wise women or community, as a young married and a young mom, I was left to try to figure things out and using the Bible and the community I had which wasn't close, it was a homeschooling community and a church community, along with a community Bible study to try and figure out how to operate in a marriage and to be a wife and a mom, and my special set of circumstances where I was a child raised to try and figure things out by myself because I didn't feel like it was safe to ask questions or make mistakes or not know what to do, and so I carried that through to adulthood, where I was just looking around and trying to figure out what to do on my own without asking any questions or feeling safe enough to ask questions. So all of that added up to finding a narcissist to marry and in a way I was relieved because then I could abdicate responsibility to this person who wanted to control everything, and that was okay for a while until it wasn't okay anymore.

Tiffany Windsor: 3:05

I asked for you to break down for me what are some of the other challenges that women may find in marriage. One of the words that I wrote down is you said well, this past could be very selfish. That doesn't necessarily equate to narcissism.

Mary Koning: 3:22

No, and in my recovery group there were many instances of where a betrayal had happened, whatever that betrayal might be. Some of the betrayals might be pornography, actual affair or an online affair, financial abuse, some things where truth is hidden purposefully in order to satisfy the man. In this case, it was all men because we were women in the recovery group, but women can do this kind of thing too. There were many instances of women in marriages that weren't healthy becoming healthy, and that was so beautiful to see. It was really beautiful to see that if the spouse was willing to own their behavior and learn how to become healthy and make different choices, then that marriage had a chance to succeed and become more healthy. In my case, that wasn't the case, from my unhealthy issues that I was bringing in that I wasn't healed from, and then the exes unhealthy things. We had gone too far and had too much unhealthiness to recover from and we ended up divorced.

Tiffany Windsor: 4:35

We've talked about narcissism. There could be selfishness in the spouse where they're just not willing to participate at a certain level to try and heal the marriage. You could have a partner that simply shuts down. I'm guessing that's probably lack of emotional intelligence. They just don't step into anything emotionally. They could be unaware, uneducated. I kind of think of that as shutting down. What I'm trying to get to because our friend Lisa Wilcox is really talking to us a lot about this the steps that you may go through to start identifying this and getting from the pit into your power. How do you face the truth? How do you step into this? Because you've talked about years and years of dealing with a relationship that wasn't working. What finally brings someone to the brink to say I need to face the truth about this.

Mary Koning: 5:39

So my particular issue was the message I was receiving from church about God hating divorce and God hating divorce and needing to stay married because that's a covenant before God. That kept me in an unhealthy marriage for years and years until I understood that God loves people more than he loves the institution of marriage. God loves people first and most and whether we're married or not, he loves us best. This message I'm not sure if it was overt or covert that it wasn't okay to leave a marriage and be a believer kept me in denial and in an unhealthy marriage for years. And add to that my living in the state of denial and we had mentioned selfishness and my selfish want to stay married, regardless of how damaging it was to me and the kids.

Mary Koning: 6:40

My selfishness of not wanting to face the discomfort of divorce and having to just the utter destruction like the tornado of a destruction and having to rebuild comfort seeking versus truth facing and having to operate in a church where marriage was so valued over me and many women and just my personhood.

Mary Koning: 7:07

I just didn't want to face that alone, and so I read Gretchen Baskerville's life saving divorce and that just was a switch, because I was either going to stay in the marriage and die or leave and live. Because I was so sick, I was so so thyroid issues and I couldn't see straight, and so many health issues because I was denying my personhood for the sake of the marriage. So I'm not sure where that message came from, other than I absorbed it from church. And there's so many unhealthy stay married books that you can find in stay married life groups, and the last book study I was in with the small group at the last church I was in was Emerson Egretsch's Love and Respect. And boy, he's getting a lot of backlash right now because he isn't truthfully calling abuse abuse. He's again putting unwarranted, unhealthy responsibility on the wife for the husband's behavior and that is not God's intention. He does not want the person to sacrifice themself for the sake of the marriage.

Tiffany Windsor: 8:14

I do want to reiterate that we first pray for all of our girlfriends to be able to work through their marriage, have both husband and wife step up and face the truth and start talking and sharing. But when you don't have two people that are willing to step up like that, at some point we're speaking to women here, so at some point the wife has to make some sort of decision after asking, probably numerous times, for help and in wanting to talk through this with her spouse. You can't define the moment, the moment of facing the truth, but I have to assume that women all go through that same moment and let me just add this because when they're going through that moment, they need someone to reach out to right.

Mary Koning: 9:12

Yes, for me it was knowing the truth, having friends tell me the truth and still yet not wanting to face the truth because the truth meant the destruction of my family.

Tiffany Windsor: 9:27

What I'm seeing a lot of times. When women are working in unhealthy family relationships and then they go out into the workforce, they're challenged with the same issues and the same abuse.

Mary Koning: 9:41

So interesting that my current job is a mini version of my marriage. And I know God's just kind of laughing with me and at me because he knows I know the things to do, the right things to do, because I've taken the time and the effort to heal and give myself a well-filled toolbox of what I'm supposed to do. But he really wants me to use those tools instead of operating my old way of being. And it's testing. It's a testing ground for sure.

Tiffany Windsor: 10:16

I definitely feel like the Lord keeps bringing opportunities in front of us to learn, and if you don't learn, then he brings you another opportunity to learn and grow and another one. And we're constantly growing. We're constantly learning. That never stops, even when you think you've mastered something, there's always opportunity to learn.

Tiffany Windsor: 10:40

I have learned so much through talking through all of these last weeks with you, mary, and these last years. I've learned so much more about women's needs, women's wants, what the church does to so many women, and I love my church. I have not dug into what challenges may be going on there, but I do know in other religious organizations there are certain churches that don't seem to support healthy marriages. We keep talking about healthy marriages, but how do you get there? How do you get there? So I'm really stumbling today because I'm trying to find the right words to let women know that this community is here for you. We're setting up mentorships, we're setting up workshops where you can learn more.

Tiffany Windsor: 11:33

You can see all of the signs of dysfunction in a relationship, because I'm learning through the friendships that the Lord has brought to me over the past few years that this is so needed in our communities and I am heartbroken that I have not seen this and been there for other women. That is what the Lord has put on my heart, that this is what we are to do, and it's right here. This, my dear friend Mary, it's. It's right here for her every single day as she is navigating through this, and I just honor the strength in you, mary, because I know this has not been an easy journey for you and you're still every day trying to learn something new, to gather new strength and knowledge.

Mary Koning: 12:23

Thank you and just a message of hope that the Lord can heal a willing heart. So many marriages were saved in this recovery group I was in and that was encouraging and I needed to see that that there were men and women who were willing to face their shame and trade their shame for truth and healing and wholeness that God was offering. And so that's the core base of a healthy marriage. And we can't do it, you know, in isolation, because I didn't want anyone to see what was going on in my family, so we kept it isolated and I wouldn't speak my truth. And they still struggle to speak my truth.

Mary Koning: 13:06

But there is a path through, to the other side, and Jesus came to seek and save, and he came to do that through truth. So I'm just going to say the verse again, because it's just so powerful is that you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. So we pray that over you. If the truth is hard today, that's okay. God knows that too. But Jesus never leaves you nor forsakes you and he loves you with an everlasting love. So I pray that you feel that circle, sister, that you know it, and if you still don't believe it, that you just trust that God is the one that tells you the truth every day, in Jesus' name, amen. Amen.

Announcer: 13:54

Thank you for joining us for today's podcast. For more information, go to InHisHandsCommunitycom. Sign up for our newsletter and social media. We love your feedback. Please leave reviews, comments and subscribe to this podcast to help us get the word out about InHisHands. Thank you and, dear friends, have a blessed day.